I first joined OKCupid in 2006. While I had met girls in the past from local chat rooms on AOL, this felt archaic and pre-Socratic; OKCupid was the true monolith. After creating my profile, I browsed the site carefully, thoroughly reading profiles and perusing responses to the site’s very important questions about flag burning and eugenics. That’s when I came across Nikki and decided, what the heck, why not cobble together a message? She was pretty, she lived in my town, we had mutual interests, and we both seemed to think that “kissing in a tent in the woods” was idyllic.
When I was an adolescent I had two different Playboy magazines under my bed. At the time I felt like a nudie magazine millionaire. Well, maybe not a millionaire, but a very wealthy man. It felt like I was dating those centerfolds with the regularity that I saw them naked. At night, before bed, I’d crack one open and with my imagination racing I’d enjoy a hot-and-wild fifteen minutes before falling asleep as a highly satisfied thirteen year old.
Then you end up in High School and there are post-pubescent girls all over. Large breasts in tight white button-downs and plaid skirts. You want to be a wild animal. You want to fuck them all. You’re in bed at night and you’re thinking of Lynette with her long dark hair, and her perfect skin, and her full breasts, and suddenly Miss October seems a little less appealing. Lynette had the depth of reality; Lynette represented possibility.
She doesn’t love you. She loves her idea of you. This may be a close approximation of you, but it isn’t you and it never will be. She doesn’t want to see your humanity; it’s unsightly and weak. It will never match her idea of you. She loves the value you provide. She loves to believe in your leadership, and to rely on your conviction. This isn’t you, even if it’s a close approximation. You will never match the idea she has of you, and when this idea becomes damaged beyond repair, she will leave you if she has other options or resent you if she doesn’t.