Seinfeld Fan-Fiction

“The Unwitting”

(Kramer enters Jerry’s apartment holding a lit torch… Seeming unsettled, he hands it to Jerry)

Kramer: Hate to break it to you, little buddy, but you’re outta here…

(Kramer snuffs the torch)

Jerry (seeming confused): Excuse me?

Kramer: Pack up your things… You’ve been voted out of the building.

Jerry: What the hell are you talking about?

Kramer: Jerry, it pains me to say it but the tribe has spoken! This is Survivor. The rules are… unflinching!

Jerry: Survivor?! What vote? I’m not leaving the building. I live here, I pay rent. I have a lease.

Kramer: and you’ve been involved in a high stakes game to outwit, outplay, and outlast the other tenants. You’ve been missing your tribal meetings all week! You must have gotten your tree mail…

Jerry: Tree mail?

Kramer: I slipped it under your door last Sunday!

Jerry: Tomato juice, papaya, clams. What is this, some kind of code?

Kramer: No, that was my grocery list; your tree mail was on the other side.

(George enters)

George: I’m busting, Jerry! Busting! I haven’t felt this great in years! I feel like a teenager!

Jerry: Is it Lucy?

George: She’s incredible! She’s attentive. She listens. She cares about what I have to say! She thinks I’m funny!

Jerry: Toliet paper?

George: We talked about toilet paper for three hours last night and she was captivated.

Jerry: Three hours?

George: For a long time. I haven’t had anyone this interested in what I have to say for years. It feels great! I know it’s only been a week but I can see George and Lucy going all the way, baby!

Jerry: Well, you can thank Kramer.

Kramer: So you’re enjoying the unique talents of Luscious Lucy?

George: Oh, she’s incredible! Thank you, Kramer, thank you! I think I’m in love with her! I’m going to ask her to marry me.

Kramer: Hold on there, muchacho, that sounds like an expensive proposition. And, you know, Luscious Lucy has other discreet clientele to service. Now have you received your first invoice yet?

George: Invoice? Discrete clientele? Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

Jerry: Oh, this is gonna be good…

Kramer: George, Lucy is a lady of the evening… and not a cheap one either! Only the best for you, buddy.

George: You set me up with a prostitute?!

Kramer: You said you were “world weary and lonely.” That the “complex sport of male/female relations” had passed you by. You said you were a “fading flower in the fog of despair.” I was doing you a favor to get your mojo back!

George (yelling): YOU SET ME UP WITH A PROSTITUTE.

Kramer: You betcha. And I can already tell that it’s made a world of difference. You’re percolating.

“The Nudity”

(INT: Diner)

George: You are not going to believe this! People won’t let it go. I’m on an apology world tour with everyone I know. My mother calls me four times a day about it. My aunt Ennis is in mental shock. My cousin is starting therapy.

Jerry: The dick pic?

Elaine: Oh… the dick pic…

(George gets a cell call)

George (yelling into phone): I’M SORRY, OKAY? I’M SORRY.

(George slams phone down on table)

Elaine: Well, it was a bit much. I was eating a tuna salad and I had to throw it out. It was… unsettling.

Jerry: and what was with that angle? It looked like a old man gasping for air.

George: Alright. Very good. Laugh it up. I have been apologizing for my penis for the past 48-hours straight.

Jerry: That sounds about right.

(Kramer enters Diner completely naked, sits down at table with gang)

Jerry: Now this is something new…

Kramer: What? We meet at the Diner regularly to discuss the varied intricacies of modern life.

(Waitress approaches naked Kramer)

Waitress: Excuse me, sir…

Kramer: Ah, yeah, I’ll take a pot of black coffee and two fried eggs. Now do you have cage free, farm fresh?

Waitress: We’ll see what we can do…

Jerry: Kramer, have you lost your mind?! You’re naked! Where are your CLOTHES?

Kramer: It’s 2014, Jerry, and it’s high time the world became more tolerant of alternative lifestyles. Would you believe I was kicked out of the library? They act like it’s 2008 in there….

Jerry: Alternative lifestyle?

Kramer: As it turns out, I’m a nudist. This is my nudist awakening. I want to be naked. I’ve always wanted to be naked. And now, I will always be naked. I was just born this way, little buddy.

Jerry: Oh, brother.

(The Monks Manager, Larry the Cook approaches the table)

Larry: May I have a word with you?

Kramer: Go.

Larry: We just want you to know… that here are Monks… we celebrate all alternative lifestyles equally, as per last years court ruling. Now here are your coffee and eggs.

Kramer: You betcha.

Larry: Oh, and George? You can take me off your contact list.

George: I’M SORRY!

“The Technocracy”

(INT: Diner)

George: Whats that?

Kramer: What?

George: That. On your wrist.

Kramer: Oh, this?

George: Yeah, that.

Jerry: Is that one of those new Apple iWatches?

Kramer: You’d better believe it is.

George: Guys who wear those smart watches are very cool.

Jerry: This is great, you can look up tonight’s movie times.

Kramer: No, I don’t think so.

Jerry: Well, why not? Can’t those watches go on the internet?

Kramer: Not this one, buddy… No, I didn’t get any features that I don’t need.

George: That watch looks great on you… You look like one of those guys.. who has a job and a woman. Who has everything figured out.

Jerry: Well can you use it to call for the movie times?

George: I hate those guys. I could never be one of those guys…. with their watches and their women.

Kramer: No. That’s a feature I didn’t need.

Jerry: So what can it do?

Kramer: Well…. Okay… Check this out….

(a woman walks by Kramer)

Kramer (to woman): Hey…. uh… what do you think of my watch?

Woman: Wow, is that one of those new Apple iWatches?

Kramer: You’d better believe it.

Woman (smiling): I’m Andrea, hi….

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Kramer returns to the diner table looking disheveled, hair askew)

Jerry: Did you just?

Kramer: Well… yeah.

Jerry: With her?

Kramer: You know it.

Jerry: Just now?

Kramer: Just now.

George: Kramer, that’s incredible!

Jerry: Because of the iWatch?

Kramer: Jerry, we live in a technocracy! Women see an Apple product and they just LOSE IT… they’re all over me!

George: Yes… a technocracy… that sounds right…..

Jerry: Okay, Techno Suave, what time is it? We’re going to be late to the movie.

Kramer: Don’t know, little buddy.

Jerry: Oh, let me see that…. Kramer, your watch is just a piece of plastic over the Apple logo!

Kramer: Jerry, I didn’t want to pay for any features I didn’t need… That’s how they stick it to you, with the add -ons.

George: The add-ons are always what jack up the price!

Kramer: My friend Bob Sacamano sells no-frills iWatches down at Bleeker Bobs for ninety five cents.

George: No frills…. Yes. YES. I’ve got to go. TECHNOCRACY.

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